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I just read an article on BabyCenter with the topic of what’s the most offensive thing said to you as a parent?  The article was fun enough and centered on the common stay-at-home mom remark, “What do you do all day?”  As amusing as the question is having lived in the moment questioned, it is deeply offensive and addresses the stigma against SAHM’s.

The part that truly interested me was the comments by users answering the most offensive question.  It ranges so much – because, it’s not like SAHM’s are the only people with a reply.  It’s everyone.

Working mothers are targeted with the, “How can you let someone else raise your child?”  Stay-at-home fathers are hit with the gender degrading remarks I won’t even repeat about being bread-winners and filling traditionally female roles.  We’re all fair game.

While it looks like the majority of the painful remarks seem to play on the mother or father’s sense of guilt, some things are just plainly cruel and don’t even attempt to hide the jab.

“How do you feel knowing that someone else is playing Mommy to your child?”
This was said to me the first day I came back to work after maternity leave when my nerves were already shot, one hand was itching to grab the car keys and bolt over to the day care, and my other hand was very tempted to knock the living snot off of her smug face. That was the only time I’ve ever come close to hitting anyone.

Why would anyone say something like that to a mother struggling with leaving her child for the first time?  I’ve dealt with my fair share of lunacy but come on.  I still firmly believe that the vast majority of parents make decisions to benefit their families.  Call it naive, call it what you will - I still believe it.  “We judge other people by their actions.  We judge ourselves by our intentions.”

I’m an OB/GYN and I had just finished my residency when my son was born. I felt the best thing for all of us would be for me to take some time off to stay at home with him. A “friend” of ours who runs her own business, flies an airplane for fun, and parties all the time, (unmarried with no kids) told me flat out that she had lost all respect for me because I was “wasting my life.” We were at a lunch with a bunch of other girlfriends (I was the only married one there)and she said, “Thank God no one else has turned into a boring housewife with nothing to talk about except the price of eggs.” I was hurt and angry, but even then I didnt feel I should have to defend my choices to someone who obviously wasnt a real friend. Needless to say, I stopped hanging out with her after that. Incidentally, those other girlfriends are married and moms now, so when we all get together, we have a great time discussing the price of eggs :)

That’s actually touching on a nerve.  Finally, when the long physically exhausting months of pregnancy are over, you have a baby, you lose so many friends.  I lost a huge circle of people, partly on purpose, I admit, to the isolated nunnery of a nursery. Motherhood changes things, after all.  All the same, it didn’t change my intelligence.  It may have changed everything else, but I still am a relatively functioning person – not a price of eggs discussing kind of gal, unless it is the topic at hand.  Much like the weather or whatever else is being conversed about: I’m kind of open to discussion.

Thank God I’ve been blessed with employers who had the breadth of mind to allow me to work at home.  I’ve been able to avoid the whole issue with a smartly arched eyebrow and reply of, “I work from home as a copywriter.”  It’s honestly one of the reasons I’ve worked so hard to be the best I can be – maybe better than I was before my daughter, to prove I can be a SAHM and a working mother all in one glorious chaotic bundle.  I don’t want to be vulnerable to attack.  Still, all the same, why should this even be an issue?  We all want to live our own lives.  Our children should be raised in the unique environment that is our personal culture.  Diversity has always been a battlefield, and I think it always will be.

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